Sadness

It mains me to account this, but the last few days have been the saddest for a while.

It started with a routine check up on Saturday at my wife's Gynae. There, the doctor suddenly said he could not detect any heart beat from my daughter in my wife's womb. That started a whole panicky chain of events.

We were so devastated, we quickly rushed over to Damansara Specialist for a 2nd opinion. There, the doctor also confirmed the lack of a heart beat.

It hit us like a big sledge hammer. Why Why Why? Only a few days ago we could feel the baby kicking and turning.

We went home, still sad (because the doctor said after hearing such news, we did have a few days before deciding to take the baby out).

Then we decided to rush off to a Goddess of Mercy temple in Puchong. We frequent this temple and the lady there could go into a trance to "give advise". There, she advised us that actually, the baby's heartbeat was very faint and therefore undetectable via ultra sound. We were also advised that if we took the baby out soon, there was a slim chance.

So back we started driving. Now my first gynae was in Ampang, the 2nd opinion doctor was in Damansara, helluva closer to my home. So we started a whole bunch of frantic phone calls to see if we could switch doctors and you know, the question of ethics between doctors came up.

But to cut a long story short, we managed to switch doctors, and abt 7pm we checked into Damansara Specialist Hospital. Our intended doctor unfortunately had some appointment in Rawang, he couldn't come over to take the baby out. And worst still, all that panic and rushing around set my wife's blood pressure shooting above 160. So the doctors said the first priority was to calm her down.

There she went into ICU, to bring her pressure down. And after a night, the next morning, we wheeled her into the Operation Theatre. I was praying like there was no tomorrow but at 930am, the doctor pulled out a lifeless baby girl from my wife's womb.

Honestly, I didn't feel that sad then.I felt so angry at how things turned out. Angry, puzzled.

It was only the very few hours later, around 2pm, when the painkillers all wore off on my wife, when we wheeled my daughter, 35 weeks old, into her mom's arms that I cried so much.

God bless my daughter. My wife and I had picked the name Jocelynn for her, meaning Joy, but it was never meant to be.